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I'm almost done with the paperwork to transfer over to Letters and Science from Arts and Architecture. At first, I was a bit overwhelmed thinking I was going from a major with only a select few, to the large pool of wandering, unguided, and lost college students of the undeclared major. But now, I'm kind of relieved.
I can't say I know what I want to do ... I'm still lost. I'm debating whether I want to declare a term of non-attendance to just be and see.
Thought of the moment:
Sometimes it's fine being lost.
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"He
observes the snow-covered hillside and crystal clear skies – a beautiful
paradox. Trees and grass sleep beneath the blankets of white, peacefully
preparing for their brilliant appearance. The gold glow of the noon sun reflects
off the snow, creating a light-filled world without a shadow in sight. The gentle blue of the sky seems endless,
inviting you to find comfort in its softness. It’s the perfect landscape, the
perfect scene, the perfect life.
Within
this beautiful glass house he continues to stare at this surreal world. He sees
a faint reflection of himself on the glass, transparent and empty. He tries to
hold onto this world, but condensation has slowly begun forming on the outside
of the glass, blurring the perfect dream. As night falls, the condensation
freezes, absorbing light, making the world fade away. How many more days will light be able to
penetrate the ice?" - WM
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| Insomnia
"The
clock ticks time, refusing to let him sleep. The night calls his mind to stir,
recreating the past, hypothesizing about ifs, haunting his conscience and core.
The year replays vividly within him, from the spring infatuation and summer
phone calls to autumn’s anticipation and winter’s kiss. The emotions fast
forwarded: bliss to desperation, acceptance to denial, serenity to violence,
his world falls apart with no one to blame but him. The sky begins to brighten,
his knuckles a mixture of red and skin. His self loathing subsides as he
realizes his pointless fight with the wall. He transforms from a man possessed
to a façade, a person he no longer recognizes or understands. Lies upon lies
protect his soul from shattering again, but it imprisons his own guilt. He is 'alive
but not living, dead but not departed.' ” - WM
Thought of the day:
Some things will never be forgotten.
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| college major
Ever since I was a kid, I always knew I would major in engineering in college, but then I started volunteering as a violin teacher to teach inner city kids, and I started liking it. I was torn between being an engineering major or a music education major.
I ended up applying to UCLA as a music education major~ and I got in. So here I am, a music education major, wondering if I'm in the right major. I've been struggling with this since fall quarter, and the solution I came up with recently was that I would double major - Music Education and Applied Math. I thought I solved the problem, and was content with my solution.
This is probably a stupid reason to wonder again, but today i took a test to see which major i should be ... and it said I should be an engineering major. And it isn't the fact that it said engineering that I'm bothered, but rather by how much I wished I was an engineering major. I know I shouldn't trust my future to an online quiz, but what if I'm wasting my time doing the wrong thing?
I can't see myself leaving the music department - the people, the environment, the study material - most of it interests me. Granted, I do have problems with ear training and wish that it would disappear, and I don't practice all that much ... but I couldn't like everything about my major, and when I do practice, I feel really good about it (maybe not at first, but after I learn something ...). It just feels like I've been put back to square one again, and this whole thinking process doesn't seem like it's ever going to end. I feel as if I'm going back and forth and I don't know what to do.
I kind of feel that I should be in Engineering, but I'm scared that I'll regret leaving the music department, and I'm scared I'll stop playing the violin. Music has always been a part of my life, and I couldn't imagine it any other way. I still want to learn the violin, I want to get better ... but I can't get lessons at UCLA if I leave the music department, and I can't do engineering if I do music education.
I feel torn, tired, and lost. I feel unmotivated, confused, and empty. I feel pressed for time, rushed. I know I won't finish in four years, but what if I don't finish college in five years?
Thought of the day:
Which way do you walk when everything is dark?
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| quite a few things
when people say 'what's up?' or 'anything new?' and such, I pretty much instinctively say 'not much' but thinking about it a little more, I realized quite a few things have happened lately.
Last week I worked for my mom, nothing too interesting there, but then on Friday I met with some friends ...
We went to a taco place to eat, and a fight broke out and one guy was on the floor getting kicked by a few people. Earlier, he had taken off his shirt to seem like a bad-ass but now you could see red footprints forming on his torso, it looked pretty painful. All of a sudden the fight stopped and they ran out the door, and people around the room were covering their mouths and were crying~
A few breaths later I inhaled air that tasted like pepper - my throat choked and my eyes watered. My first experience with pepper spray. Everyone began to run out, except for those anxiously waiting for their food to come out. Anyways, it was an interesting first experience.
I decided that I'd start running this quarter because I don't exercise at all since I board to class. In plans to run, I bought new running shoes~ and I've worn them this week to break them in. I guess I'll start next week ... or maybe the week after =D
And though I haven't been exercising, I did play volleyball for two nights~ two LONG sessions of vball. I can't say I quite understand what's going on, but I'm beginning to, and it's a lot of fun. I might join an IM vball team~ hehe.
Ok, it wasn't that much stuff ... but it's definitely more than "not much." And three is defined as a few, so I would say the title of this post is still accurate.
Thought of the day:
Puppies are loved.
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